Updated  January 9th, 2002
 
 
 

     A lot of things happen to people when they are children and these things have an impact on the decisions that they make later in life.  In my case, as a very young child, I was molested by an old man that my family and I trusted. All he did was fondle me but the things that he taught me affected my life like nothing else that has ever happened to me.

     It wasn't until I was in my late twenties that I began to realize just how much the events that took place in my early childhood had influenced my thinking and the choices I made.  For it was then that I decided to try and write a story about my life.  After writing about 2 pages I pushed myself away from the typewriter and thought "My God my life is a nightmare!"

     My father was a mechanic and my mother was a housewife.  Daddy was a hard working man and seemed to think that he had to work 24 hours a day 7 days a week.   This caused problems in our family which for the sake of the people involved I will not go so far as to elaborate upon.  But one of the problems was that daddy didn't have enough time for his children...neither did mommy as far as that goes.

     A young girl needs her daddy's attention and as she grows older she finds out she can get that attention she is craving from boys.   Well I didn't appeal to most boys because I was built like a woman by the time I was 11 and 12 years old.  So men began to notice me.  So low and behold I became pregnant at the tender young age of 14.

     Well I cried and cried and prayed "Why me Lord?" ...Duh...do young women even think?  (I didn't!)   Anyway, I didn't tell my parents until I was 4 months into the pregnancy.  I was scared to death of them as it was...especially daddy...and I certainly didn't want to have to face the music that I knew this would cause!

     The next few months were very hard for me.  My dad wanted me to get an abortion and mom, well she was going to do whatever dad wanted.  As for me I  truly believed my baby had a right to live although I never told my parents how I felt.  I still wonder what makes people think that a baby isn't a living person.  I always knew, from the moment I realized I was pregnant, that this tiny being inside of me was a human being with a God given right to life.  And I believed then as now that it was not mine to take away.

     The day that my mother took me to see the doctor I stood behind her as she  talked to him.  She talked like I had no say in the matter and the whole time she was talking Iwas shaking my head slowly from side to side.  The doctor acted as though he didn't see me, but he did.  The doctor said, "Yes I could still give her an abortion but it would be dangerous since she is so far along in her pregnancy.   But I won't give her one unless she wants it."  Then he walked towards me and asked, "Hon, do you want an abortion?" (My moment of triumph had come!) I said to him, "No sir, my baby has a right to live."  With that he said, "That settles  it,  no abortion." and with no delay, he walked out of the room!  Never have I had a bigger smile on my face than I did on that day! (I feel like Idid the right thing and if that is the only thing I ever did in my life that was right it is enough! If one can save the life of a child they have much to be thankful for and their life has not been wasted!)

      On May the 18th 1974 I gave birth to a beautiful dark haired baby girl.  I told the doctor that I wanted to see my baby before they left the room with her.  I knew full well that I may never get to see her again...my parents were making me give her up for adoption.  The nurse started to walk out of the room with my baby and I said again, "I want to see my baby before you leave the room with her."  The doctor yelled at the nurse, "Let her see her baby!"  (He was mad at her.)

     So I got my first glimpse of the little miracle that had been growing inside me for 9 months!  I will never forget that moment nor will I forget what she looked like and how angry she seemed.  I remember thinking that she had my bone structure....the long fingers and high arches anyway.  She was so perfect...and never have I stopped grieving her lose until this very day.

     (Sadly enough 4 days later a social worker took me to see her and she was still crying like she was angry.  Maybe she was!  It is a proven fact that babies know somehow when their mothers want them...maybe she knew that I wanted to keep her.  Only God knows for sure.)

     Yes, in some ways adoption can be the loving option and I would advise it over abortion every time!  But to force someone against their will, to give up such a special part of themselves is not something that I wouldn want to do.   We do not know what the future holds for that person.  Nor do we know that they will ever be able to have another child.   (However, I am convinced that my parents felt that they were doing what was right for me and my child.  And I feel it was probably right for my child because now that she found me through this web site it is very clear to me that she was given so much that I could never have given her. As I write and rewrite my stories over the years I find it amazing how one changes in the way they see things as they grow older.  I understand my parents more every day.)

      I am 43 years old now and have tried many times to have a baby.  But every one ended in disaster...miscarriages, baby dying in my womb, or tubal pregnancies.  I don't have money to adopt or have a test tube baby and can only dream about what it would be like to have my own child to raise.  And my mother will never experience the joy of spoiling her grandchild.

     I feel obligated to note here that my mother and father separated while I was pregnant. The separation was due to the pregnancy and my moms disagreements with dad,  not to mention my mother was drinking excessively during that time. Mostly I think because she knew how I felt because she had been forced to give up a daughter for adoption also.  She was probably even angry at herself and at that time I didn't even know about my sister. This took place about 5 years before I was born and she never told my dad until the day that my sister found her!  My mother has  regretted her decision many times over since then.

     You might ask why I choose to reveal this story to just anyone that might stumble upon this web page.  Well one of the reasons I built this site was to find my daughter and that it accomplished!  Another reason is that I want you to know if you are going through something like this that you are not alone.  Many have faced the same problems that you are facing right now and there are those who are willing and able to help you with these decisions.  Please don't make rash decisions that you may regret for the rest of your life!

      If you need guidance and or prayer e-mail me and I will get back in touch with you.  I will pray with you and give you links to sites and people that may help you make a decision that will be right for you.   Don't let others force you to do something that you don't want to do!  First talk to others who have made similar choices in life and then make an educated choice.   May God bless you and guide you always.

Below you will find some links to pages that are related to the subjects talked about in this story. I am not here to judge anyone only to help guide you toward making a decision that is right for you. The decisions that you make right now will affect you and, possibly even those around you, for the rest of your life. None of the decisions are easy ones, this I know. But some are better ones. Please, before you make any choices, find out the facts about the choice that you are making.

 
 

If you are at a critical point in your life and you need someone to talk to please feel free to email me.  Remember the decision you make is one of life and death.  Is this really a choice we should be making?  Life is precious and to be valued, our own and that of our unborn children.  Please put yourself in the babies place and think .... "what would I want my mother to do?"  Is life important to you?  It is to our children also.   I know because my daughter told me so. 
See: "His Guiding Hand"