On Clouds of Love
In the past I did things that I wouldn't even dream of doing now! But once I asked Jesus into my heart God started changing my heart. I want you to know that the changes that have taken place in my life were not dramatic overnight miracles. I have done a lot of things since I was saved and had to repent. If it were not for the Blood that Jesus shed on Calvary God could not see me as a righteous woman totally cleansed from sin. God has changed me little by little one day at a time. All the times when I tried to change myself ended in total disaster. Romans 1:16-17 For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek. For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith to faith; as it is written, "BUT THE RIGHTEOUS man SHALL LIVE BY FAITH."
There are times when I do or say things that I feel I shouldn't and I start thinking how bad a person I am. It is at those times that God makes me stop and look back, and then he says, "You've come a long way baby!" All I know to do is let go and let God. I can't do it on my own and He has done such a good job up until now, who am I to try and take over! And the times that I messed up were times that I decided to do things my way because I was tired of waiting on God. I can see now as I look back on my life that God knows just how and when to make changes in a persons life. And He isn't finished with me yet! He is the potter and I am the clay!
Isaiah 64:8 But now, O Lord, Thou art our Father, We are the clay and Thou art our potter, And all of us are the work of Thy hand. (NAS)
One change that He made in my life was a very difficult one for me. I had been smoking marijuana since I was almost 18 years old. Yep, you are seeing right! I justified it every way in the world so I could keep doing it. It was a habit that I just couldn't put down. They say you can't get hooked on marijuana! Well I don't know about anyone else but I was! It may have been psychological but I was hooked none the less.
I went through stages and sometimes didn't smoke at all. But then when I was about 25 years old I started selling it. Easy money, or so I thought, until one day I was awakened by a noise at my door. You guessed it, I was getting busted! Hey if you want to be really scared, try dealing dope and getting busted! (I must mention here that the Lord had told me I was going to get busted several days before it happened. Did I listen? Of course not! I didn't believe it! Talk about learning to listen the hard way!)
It was about 9am and I was sound asleep and not exactly descent either! So I got up and tried to hurry and put some clothes on when a nervous young policeman appeared in the doorway. He pointed a shotgun straight at my face and told me to put my hands over my head. Stark naked, I did as I was told! The naked part didn't bother me near as much as the fact that this man was about to blow me away! His trigger finger was jerking, a little too much for comfort, as far as I was concerned! I asked him if I could put something on and he pointed at a dress in my closet and I put it on. Who was I to argue, he had the shot gun!
Anyway, that day I was arrested along with my husband at that time. (Who was so smart that he walked right in thinking they were just visiting.) He got "deferred adjudication" meaning if he didn't get in any more trouble he wouldn't have a record. The reason for that was because of his job in security and also I believe they felt sorry for him because he was only 3'6" tall and maybe they thought he would have problems finding another job. But I was convicted of a 3rd degree felony! They knocked it down from a second degree to a third degree. I never thought of myself as a criminal, and here I was on probation with mandatory drug testing!
Do you think that I was smart enough to go straight at this point? I mean really, I was having nightmares on a regular basis about that bust. I wasn't sleeping well and my nerves were shot to say the least. I felt that I had to smoke for my own sanity! So, no I didn't quit and still dabbled in selling it on a smaller scale to support my habit.
A lot of things happened in this period of time. Boy was I ever mixed up! Anyway they had me in a drug treatment program called "Help is Possible". And yes I am here to admit that help is possible, but not through that program! I was doing fine with the counselor that they had put me with. He was a nice guy and understood me fairly well, it seemed. But one day I went in to find out that he had moved on to another job.
The next counselor they put me with was not so nice! We took an immediate disliking to one another. I couldn't understand why I didn't like this guy at first, then, when I said something about God, he looked at me with a look of pure hate and said, "You believe in God?" And I said, "Well sure I do, don't you?" And he told me that there wasn't a God and acted like he was angry at me for even believing in Him.
That was my first and only visit to this man because the next time I went to see him I heard all kinds of commotion going on in the office. So I opened the door to a crack to see what was going on. This man was ranting and raving and jerking telephones out of the wall. He was cursing the secretaries and throwing things. I don't know what his problem was, but the secretary saw me and shook her head no, so I left and went to the probation office to tell them what was going on. They tried to call the place but the phones had been jerked out of the walls so the line was busy and boy did my probation officer get mad! (Boy was the devil busy in that man!)
It was kind of funny really because this same man that was acting like a lunatic had written in his report on me that I needed psychological help! (haha Who is he to talk?) And what is even funnier is that the probation office followed his advice after all that mess! And they sent me to a psychologist. The first day the psychologist met me he said, "I want to give you an IQ test. Do you mind?" I said, "No I don't mind." So he gave me the test and after the test he said that I was smarter than (get this! haha) 75 percent of the people that I meet! I thought, "yeah sure!" My father had always called me stupid and now this guy was telling me I was smarter than most of the people that I meet! Anyway he said that there wasn't anything wrong with me that a good education wouldn't cure!
So then I went back to school for a while. I had quit school in the ninth grade because of my pregnancy. And had gotten my GED in jail without studying for it and I had also gone to clerical school. Ok, admittedly I did well for the short time I went. I had a 4.0 average in the classes that I finished, although I did have to take remedial math. (Math has never been one of my strong subjects.) But I quit when I got pneumonia and have never gone back except for things like floral design and such. And I teach myself things such as all the things I now know about computers.
One thing I learned through all of this I found out that sometimes parents say things that hurt their kids. They may not mean what they say at the time but children trust their parents to tell them the truth. So I guess I was one of those kids and just didn't know it. I hadn't realized that I really thought I was stupid! I can't stand it to this day when I hear someone call a kid stupid!
Now here I was still smoking pot and I had a little nowhere job watching a gift shop on a daily basis. (Maybe I was stupid! Nah just hardheaded and I had hardened my heart to the voice of God.) At this time I was smoking about 15 joints a day! Not exactly a good thing to do. I stayed depressed all the time. I was suicidal and I knew that I needed to quit smoking pot. So, I prayed to God, "Lord, please help me get off of this stuff." I am here to tell you, be careful what you ask for, you may get it!
Hebrews 3:7 Therefore, just as the Holy Spirit says, "TODAY IF YOU HEAR HIS VOICE, DO NOT HARDEN YOUR HEARTS AS WHEN THEY PROVOKED ME, AS IN THE DAY OF TRIAL IN THE WILDERNESS, WHERE YOUR FATHERS TRIED ME BY TESTING ME, AND SAW MY WORKS FOR FORTY YEARS. THEREFORE I WAS ANGRY WITH THIS GENERATION, AND SAID, "THEY ALWAYS GO ASTRAY IN THEIR HEART, AND THEY DID NOT KNOW MY WAYS; AS I SWORE IN MY WRATH, THEY SHALL NOT ENTER MYREST,'" Take care brother lest there should be in any one of you an evil, unbelieving heart, in falling away from the living God.
I don't know what I thought God would do? Maybe just make me not want to smoke anymore. But noooo, it wasn't going to be that easy! I had already been in jail twice since I had been busted, because of the drug testing they were doing. Well my probation officer (who was a new one and didn't like me anyway.) walked up one night while I was smoking. I was due for a visit to her office in a few days and needless to say she was ready for me when I went in. She did a test on me, and the next month when I went to see her, I was greeted by officers and handcuffs.
This was my last chance and I knew it! I was going to prison no doubt about it. And honey was I scared! I don't know why but prison had always been one of my biggest fears. And here it was staring me in the face. So as I sat in the jail cell thinking about it I thought, "Well there is one way out." (This is the thought that Satan wants us to have at times like this.) And I took my bra off and hung myself with it!
Obviously that didn't work, as I lived to tell about it. But it did get me stripped naked and hog tied. They laid me on the cold cement floor in an empty cell with a helmet on and watched me like a hawk! I couldn't even hardly breath without them yelling at me. (Hog tied means they put cuffs on my hands and feet and then bent my legs back towards my hands and chained the cuffs on my ankles to the cuffs on my hands. Not comfortable folks!) I have never tried to commit suicide again since that day!
Shortly after that I was transferred from that little jail to the Dallas County Jail. The officer that transported me was really mean. I guess he had a bad day or something but he kept threatening to hit me with his black jack. He was a scary kinda guy! He acted like he just wanted to hurt someone. I mean I was cuffed, both my hands and feet. My hands were cuffed behind me and that was hurting so I squirmed a little, and you would think that I was an axe murderer the way he treated me.
When we arrived at the Dallas County jail a lady officer noticed that both my hands and feet were cuffed and she asked why. He told her and she looked me in the eyes and said, "She won't do it again, will you hon?" And I said, "No ma'am." so she told the man to take the cuffs off of me. No sooner than he had gotten the cuffs off of me he got the chance to take his anger out on someone. ( I was glad it wasn't me!) A man that was being booked right next to me decided to try and get away. The policeman that had brought me in attacked him viciously and you could tell he really wanted to hurt him. But after he got him down and started to hit him he thought better of it and restrained himself. He must have had to deal with a lot of nasty people is all I can figure.
After I finally got settled in jail I had time to think and time to pray. So I started praying, "Lord, I know I asked you to help me, but isn't this a little drastic?" I got an immediate reply, "No! You were on a path of destruction and I had to take you off of it." Whew! Now that was one of the fastest replies I had ever gotten. I said, "Ok Lord, you know what is best." But I was so scared it wasn't even funny.
Many days went by until I went to court and boy was I a pitiful sight. The real Judge wasn't in that day and the Magistrate had to oversee my case. When it came time for me to receive my sentence I was awash with tears and shaking like a leaf. The Magistrate looked at me and I could see the compassion in his eyes. He said that he had no choice but to give me a 2 year sentence in prison. And then as I walked out he said, "Good luck hon." ( I still feel love for that man because he seemed like a compassionate man..)
Several more days went by and the fear in me was growing in leaps and bounds. Until one day a girl told me, "Get that scared look off of your face! It isn't that bad!" And I told her that I couldn't help it. So that night some people came to the jail to have church services and I decided to go. The lady was Spirit filled and believed in speaking in tongues. She was encouraging us to receive the Holy Spirit, which I had already done before.
I stood up and started praying and the Holy Spirit came over me really strong like never before. I began to speak in tongues quite loudly, crying all the time. Then I felt something hit my chest like a wind and fell back in my chair startled by the occurrence. This lady wasted no time! She said, "Something is wrong and I know it. Tell me what it is!" I didn't have to tell her because the other girls knew what was wrong and they told her I was scared because of the prison sentence. She said, "That fear is not normal, it is of the Devil. We have to rebuke it." So I stood up again and began speaking in tongues as she rebuked the Devil.
I was speaking in a very clear language and I could tell that, but I didn't know what language it was. Most of the time people repeat the same phrases and everything sounds kinda like gibberish to me. But not this time! I knew I was speaking clearly in another language with full sentences. Then one word came out which I understood. That word was "shalom" which I recognized from the Hebrew language as meaning "peace". Then I understood that I must have been speaking Hebrew.
After speaking that word all of the sudden I felt as though bricks were falling off of my shoulders. I felt like every burden I had ever had was lifted and I was filled with an awesome peace and feeling of security. If I have ever felt happier in my life I am not sure when it was. For at that moment I was overjoyed and full of love. I am convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that the lady that prayed for me was right. The devil was putting that fear on me and God had lifted it and many other things off of my life at that very moment.
When I went back to the jail cell all the other women could tell that something had happened. I was hugging everyone and smiling from ear to ear. The woman that had told me not to be so afraid, noticed it, and said with a grin, "Must have been a good service!" I said, "Yes it was!" and from that night on I never felt that kind of fear again and I even felt somewhat blessed that all this was happening to me and I know full well that God knew what was in my best interest.
I spent about a month in jail and I am here to tell you it was the longest month in my life! Then they transferred me to prison. Talk about humiliation! First they chained us all together in a row. You see this stuff on TV sometimes but you never expect to be living it! Then they put us on a bus and we stay cuffed together through the whole trip. The mainstay for the next day or so is bologna sandwiches. ( I hate bologna sandwiches to this day!) Then when we arrived at the prison we had to be examined by this doctor and that doctor. There was lot of waiting and then we were made to shower with lice shampoo.
After the shower we were not allowed to put any clothes on at all. They paraded us down the halls naked in front of men and women guards. (Honey, when you go to prison you are no longer considered a human being. Prison takes away a persons dignity and makes them feel lower than a dog.) Then they took pictures of us in the buff and made a record of any scars and or identifying marks, such as tattoos etc.. This was the worst part of prison for me and a part that I almost left out here because I had pushed it to the back of my mind, where I put all things that I had rather not think about!
The first month of prison was a time for orientation and evaluation. They took all kinds of tests such as IQ tests and psychological evaluations. I don't know how many times I was sent to a psychologist and drilled about my past. The thing that hurt me the most about this is that these people didn't know me as a person. The things that they knew about me were all the bad things I had done and the problems I had. I began to feel that there wasn't anything good about me!
After all the evaluations were over they had to decide what part of the prison to put me in. They had several different units available with different levels of security. I hoped upon hope that I would get put in a minimum security area so I would have more freedom and a better chance at getting out faster. But after talking it over they decided to put me in maximum security! They decided that because of my two short stays in mental institutions, and because I had tried to commit suicide in jail that it was best to keep a close eye on me. ( Would I ever live that down!?) So they put me in maximum security for the remainder of my stay. There I met women who were in prison for a lot longer stay then I was. A lot of them were there for anything from severe child abuse to murder.
As time went on I just got closer to God and in some ways I was glad for what had happened to me. This became apparent to some of the other women also, especially when one day I arose in church and said, " I just want to Praise God for putting me here because it has given me time to think and has been like a sanctuary from the life I was living. Since I have been here I have come to understand the true meaning of freedom. And it has nothing to do with being in the "free world" as we call it in here. To be truly free is having Jesus in your heart. And I thank God that I am truly free!"
After that service one young lady was walking out ahead of me and she said, "I don't understand it. You have always seemed to be glad that you were here?" I told her that I was in a way. Besides the fact that prison could have meant the difference between life and death for me. Anyplace where I can get closer to God has got to be a good place!
All the time I was in prison...which was actually and all, only 5 months, I spent much time reading God's word and writing letters. My family very seldom wrote to me and I think my mom wrote me maybe twice. And the letters that I received from them when I did were only a few short lines which left much to be desired for me. (Letters are very important to a person who is in prison and often times are the one thing that they have to look forward to each day.) So one day as I was reading prison news paper I ran across a poem that I liked and decided to write a letter to the man who had written it. We became pen pals after that. His name was Jake, he wrote the best poetry, and his letters were like a gentle rain in summer time, and written with a poets flair. Oh and did I mention they were very long! Daily I watched the mail for a letter from him and if I got a letter from somebody else it never was as exciting. I liked six to ten page letters a lot better than a couple of lines! So it was that God had provided for another of my needs.
Many times at night I would be awakened by the voice of God or just the feeling of His overwhelming Love. God truly picked me up and carried me while I was there and the love that He gave me just jumped out of me onto everyone around me. (How can one receive so much love and not give it also?) On the morning after such an awakening I was all smiles, which I was most of the time anyway, but at those times it was accentuated. Through it all God lifted me up upon clouds of love and made me realize that nothing could separate me from His Love.
So many things happened in that short amount of time and I learned so many lessons. This time of my life was and is very valuable to me. When I found out that I was getting out of prison I was very excited to say the least. I was jumping, shouting, and praising the Lord! Then the day before I got out my work supervisor called me to the kitchen. I wondered what in the world did he want. When I got there he said, "So, you are trying to get away without saying goodbye!" I didn't know what to say. Then he grinned really big. He acted as if he wanted to hug me so I asked him if I could hug him, and he gave me the biggest bear hug and wished me luck. He knew he would never see me again! (This man was a nice man and a real softy. He couldn't stand to see a woman cry. In the time that I was there I went from washing pots and pans to the best job in the kitchen, pastry cook. It was actually a trustee position and to get a trustee position a person was supposed to have to be there more than 4 months!)
Then on the night before I was released something happened that I truly didn't expect. As I was dragging my heavy bag full of belongings up to be checked out, one of the women guards lagged behind with me. Now the guards hardly ever talked to the prisoners although I had some good conversations with one or two of them while in orientation during my first month there. Then she said, "I hoped I would get to talk to you before you left. I just want to thank you for being so nice to me while you were here. You are the nicest prisoner we have ever had here." I didn't know what to think! I thanked her for the compliment and when she was taking me back to the dorm she and another guard struck up a conversation with me and kept me outside talking for about 2 hours!
Being a prison guard has got to be a hard job. I guess these ladies had been treated so badly by prisoners for so long that it was refreshing to have someone smile and tell them to have a nice day or to say God Bless you. The little things that we can do to brighten someone's day are often the most important things. No matter where you are you can make a difference for Christ!
One thing that God helped me to understand while I was there is that the only gift He wants from me is me. I had never really understood that before. I know now, better than ever before, just how hard it is to give, and just how special what Jesus did for us really is. He laid down His very life so that we would not perish in our sin. And it is because of this that when sometimes I find myself complaining I feel so very bad. Why should I complain? I have not had to shed one drop of blood or give up my life in what little service I do for Him! And I still have eternal life with my Father in Heaven to look forward to. How blessed can one woman be!?
Prison wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. And now that I have been there I have one less fear in my life. Although I am sure it would have been worse had I not had a relationship with Jesus. I don't want to go back and don't intend to go back unless it is to do God's work. It is a lonely place especially for those who do not know the Lord. And there is a great need for ministry there. A large percentage of those that go once will probably go again. If there is anything that can be done to lower that percentage then Jesus is the one that can do it. And believe it or not Jesus doesn't just work through angels He works through each and every one of us, if we will let Him. It is quite possible that , "The Jesus that a person sees in you may be the only Jesus they ever see." And maybe even the one that makes them turn their life over to God. Don't underestimate the power of doing little things for the glory of God! Those little things may just be our greatest weapon against the powers of darkness in a world that is perishing for lack of the knowledge of God! And you never know who is watching you at any given time. We must always be on guard that we don't set an example that may harm someone in the long run.
Matthew 18:6 But whoever shall cause one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him that a millstone were hung around his neck and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.
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